Parent-Teen Mediation and How It Can Help

By Kathleen Flynn

Laws governing how you can discipline your child have changed considerably. If you use any type of physical force on your child, spouse, or a family member you can go to jail. Once you are arrested, jailed, and ordered to appear in court your whole life will change and not for the better. Luckily, the DA’s Office offers families without a history of violence an option to consider avoiding prosecution. The DA’s Office sends cases to mediation in an effort to empower families to better communicate and come up with improved skills in which to handle conflict. The County’s Dispute Resolution Program (DRPS) receives DA referrals and provides the community with just that type of service.

Last week, I handled such a case. A mother and daughter got into a physical altercation over a cell phone. After attending a Birthday party, were she had had a few drinks, the mother came home at 1:00 am to find her teenage daughter talking and texting on her cell phone. When she told her daughter to give her the phone and go to bed, the daughter told her mother to get out of her room and mind her own business. The fight escalated from yelling into a physical tug of war over the cell phone which ended in black eyes, a swollen ear, choke marks on the daughter’s neck, and a bloody foot that ended in a trip to the Emergency Room, and 7 stitches. During the fight, a neighbor called the Police. The mother ended up in jail, and the teen ended up in a shelter run by Child Protective Services.

When the mother and daughter recounted their version of the events, I was struck by the immense lack of compassion and communication I saw between them. As I listened to the mother telling me that she lost her job because she had to miss so much time to keep her court dates, the loss of some friendships, and humiliation she has suffered from this experience, I was surprised to hear them both say that if they had they known that programs like ours existed maybe this and other fights could have been avoided.

Parent/Teen Mediation, or any type of mediation through DRPS is a voluntary program that is free to the public. It is not therapy or counseling. Mediation is a setting in which you can clear the air and find positive, constructive ways of dealing with volatile emotions in a safe place. It isn’t as formal or frightening as it sounds.

After scheduling an appointment, you will meet with two experienced mediators that will listen to both sides of the story. Everything said in the mediation is kept strictly confidential. They are not there to judge you, nor will they tell you what to do. They are there simply to assist you and your child, family member, or spouse in learning active listening skills and ways to communicate more effectively. Once you have reached an agreement on how to do things differently, the mediators will put it in writing so that both of you know what was agreed to. No one sees that agreement but you. You may come back for a second or third mediation if you need to.

For more information on the Dispute Resolution Program you may call Brohne Lawhorne at 408-792-2330, or email him at Brohne.Lawhorne@ohr.sccgov.org.

Kathleen Flynn is a professional mediator and community activist.